forge — one little word

for the last five years i have chosen a word to center my intentions on

be  — 2014
thrive — 2015
embrace — 2016
delight — 2017
brave — 2018

with each word came a warm light, spilling onto the forgotten pieces, the hidden treasures i had buried in myself and the dreams of who i could be. this whole process has been one of infinite becoming; each year i fumble to grasp, how out the millions of words in our spoken and written languages just one can have a magnitude of profound impact and be the resource of such great strength. in years past, the words have come to me, settled in my lap and offered themselves as a token of belief and a sort of gentleness in becoming — but not this year. 

this year the word hid and made me work for it, the word tucked itself away until i was ready to surrender, until i was ready to truly be brave and accept, and embrace, and take all these words from years past and suit up for what was to come. this year my word was unlike any words i had yet met. i often found myself seeking words that fluttered off my tongue and slipped themselves into the ideology of romantic poetry with their songlike sounds when said out loud. but this year my soul demanded a great deal more. 

oof. what a word. 

just saying it out loud feels like getting punched in the stomach, at least it does to me. i tried bending the word, trying to make it conform to something a bit more filled with grace, something a bit less than what i think that this word might require of me in the upcoming season. this word is strong, there is no room for passive aggressive commitments or behaviors, this word is a wildfire, this word is a warrior. 

“brave” i now see was merely the sword and this word “forge” is the armour, 2019 looks like it is gearing up to be my refining year of sorts.

what do i hope to forge? that’s an interesting question. i think i hope to forge my way into my creative potential, and with that, have a more defined presence in what i can offer. i want to move through challenges with more confidence, and approach things that scare me or things i would hesitate at with absolute reckoning and resilience.  i want to see that i can do hard things with grit and determination and gumption and grace.  i want to forge my relationships in deeper commitment and more grounded love. 

i want to forge myself into the woman i so desperately want to become and welcome the process with passion and persistence.